Embracing guilt

Link- Embracing Guilt- From I can't forgive myself to I forgive myself-E book

Guilt and shame are twin demons from the past, which can trouble any of us. However, in guilt, one is also susceptible to shame. The frail boundary between “I did something wrong” & “I am wrong” dissolves and hence, makes guilt a more challenging emotion to handle. Guilt distorts our reality and causes turbulence in our minds, wreaks havoc on our thoughts and emotions. It is a karma trap which can imprison anyone for entire life. It can undermine our health, behavior, & relationships. The standard approaches like “let go,” “move on,” “substitution,” “overcome” & “don't think about it” worsen our condition as we try hard to bypass our suffering. Suppressing or substituting our thoughts, emotions, & feelings creates more pain. While we can try to rationalize the guilt by reasoning endlessly within our mind, but this does not help us in the long run.

Rather than overcoming the emotion, embrace it. The past is only in our thoughts. Embracing is neither a battle nor a victory nor defeat. It is complete openness and acceptance of the present moment. We open ourselves to our vulnerabilities and then we understand that there is nothing to be afraid of. But it takes a lot of practice.

Embracing guilt allows us to think any kind of thoughts, stories, and reasonings about the past, without any resistance in the present moment. Embracing reduces the additional suffering which one experiences by living in denial or resisting the suffering as an integral part of life. Further, we move deeper into embracing guilt by availing the present to transform guilt into self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

Embracing Guilt allows our hearts and minds to be touched by forgiveness & love through our vulnerabilities.

The above mentioned thoughts are some pointers from a book where I have attempted to bring peace for guilt sufferers in a structured approach. The book is aimed to understand guilt, dispel myths, explore beliefs, and ground the reader to the path of self-forgiveness and self-love through one's vulnerabilities. The core message is already mentioned here, but in case you read the book, please share your views.

In the end just remember that you don’t need any validation from the past nor from the future to live this moment fully. May peace be upon you. You can also reach me at twitter “@abhinavp43”.

A feeling called Guilt

To err is human. But, what follows after such an error is guilt, regret, and shame. We say to ourselves that the action or the behaviour was not good or we judge ourselves and say that we are not good. Usually, the feeling of guilt is accompanied by a feeling of shame. It happens because we don't judge our actions but "ourselves" as well. Self-analysis of our actions turns into self-criticism and self-rejection. 

Our shared experience with Guilt:
On the world mental health day, I was talking to a friend who met an accident a few years back. I asked him if he has recovered from all the wounds inflicted by the accident. He told that physically he has recovered but, on the psychological level the wounds are still fresh. He didn't hesitate to tell me that it is the guilt of being the driver of the car which haunts him most. It doesn't matter if he is in office or bed, he constantly struggles with his thoughts. Though it was an accident, he never fails to take the whole responsibility for the event. Moreover, despite such a long time which has passed, he was suffering in the present and was prophesying that he will suffer in future as well. He had neither come to terms with the mistake nor with himself. What was most distressing was his unacceptance of himself. 

Similar is the story with others as well who met this emotion due to some situations or mistakes. Situations or mistakes could be different but our behaviour, feelings, and thoughts are quite similar. The situation could be anything from a working mom struggling to take care of her toddler or a girl marrying someone against her parents wish or a man not giving enough time to family etc. 

Even the magnitude of guilt varies across individuals in case of same mistake or situation. Sometimes the emotion lingers for a few minutes and sometimes it lingers for years. But when it starts to interrupt our daily life, the guilt is toxic and it should need to be addressed. Such kind of guilt, generally, comes with a feeling of unacceptance of the self. No matter where I am, it's the same with those who struggle with toxic guilt.

Guilt: A society induced phenomenon
An interesting thing about the guilt is that it is instilled inside us by society. It is a social phenomenon. To a certain amount, guilt is necessary. Otherwise, society would be difficult to live. Society creates a moral conscience which takes shape from our beliefs, culture, and religion. This society induced conscience together with our obsessiveness to be perfect creates a difficult time with guilt. And thus, the law of karma turns into a Karma trap.

The impact of Guilt
Once the guilt pops up in the mind, our focus is diverted from everything else to firefight this emotion. We start to rationalise the event or the mistake to avoid the guilt at any cost. Sometimes this clicks, but other times a long battle takes place in our minds. Guilt can create unending self-talk. The mind looks for the perfect circumstances to be eligible for innocence. It forces us to revisit the mistake or the event and somehow convince ourselves that we have done no mistake. Like a pendulum, we keep on swinging from guilty to innocent. There seems to be no final verdict in the case. 

One struggling with guilt suffers stress, anxiety, compulsive thoughts etc.  Guilt can take a toll not only on our psychological health but also on our physiological health. One can feel insomnia, blood pressure issues, heart issues etc. 

The silver lining:
Being the "only" in the mind makes it difficult to get support. But it is very important to take help if guilt is turning overwhelming. One can talk to friends or near ones whom one can trust, or see a therapist, psychiatrist, or do yoga, or mediation etc. One can also find comfort in spiritual scriptures, articles, books, and literature.

Embracing guilt is also one of the best ways to deal with guilt. It is being “effortless” to the demands of a mind under the influence of guilt. Its essence is captured very well by Lao Tzu in Tao Te Ching-

“Trying to control leads to ruin.

Allow your life to unfold naturally,

knowing that it too is a vessel of perfection."

In embracing guilt, we learn to forgive and love the self at the moment. Further, just remember, yesterday’s event is not a license to dictate today or tomorrow. 

Balasana- A yoga-asana for stress and anxiety

Balasana is a very important yoga asana for stress and anxiety. It helps to slow down our thoughts and brings us inwards to our body.  It is also known as child pose as we lay down as a child in this position. It is also among the easiest yoga pose. In this post we will learn:

1. Precautions
2. How to do balasana
3. Benefits of the yoga-asana


Precautions:

The precautions are similar to what we observe in any yoga pose.

• Be empty stomach ( about 3 hrs after meal)
• And most importantly keep the mobile phone away during the practice

In case of issues mentioned below please refrain from the asana:

• Knee injury
• Hyper tension
• Pregnant women
• Diarrhea

How to do balasana:

Balasana is a sitting pose. It can be done when we are starting the yoga session or when we are making a transition from standing poses to sitting poses.
The steps involved are:

1. Sit on your knees and heels (similar to Vajra asana)
2. Take a deep breath. While breathing stretch your hands upward.
3. While exhaling bend forward along with the hands
4. Touch the mat by your forehead and hands stretched forward with palm down facing ground
5. Take a few deep breaths while in this position.
6. Afterward, come back to the sitting pose.
7. Repeat the steps for 2-3 times.

Benefits:

1. Helps to bring us to our body
2. Improves the flow of blood to the brain
3. Slows down thoughts
4. Relieves stress and anxiety
5. Makes spine flexible

The Heart Greater than the Mind

The mind is very powerful. But even more powerful is our heart. However, it takes a lot of practice to tap the guidance from the heart. The voices from the mind are generally louder than that coming from the heart. We need to calm down the mind’s chatter to seek wisdom from the heart. When tuned to the frequency of heart, we are home. A poem to have faith in the inner source of wisdom.

If the mind is Pandora's Box
The heart is golden fleece
If the mind is the sun,
The heart is the universe,
The heart is greater than the mind

If the mind can make cacophony,
The heart can make music.
If the mind can spin,
The heart can dance.
The heart is greater than the mind

If the mind can compare,
The heart can share.
It the mind can separate,
The heart can help to be intimate
The heart is greater than the mind

If the mind knows physics,
The heart knows chemistry.
The mind may desire one-day affairs,
Heart believes in a journey of a lifetime.
The heart is greater than the mind

If the mind comes up with self-criticism,
The heart comes up with self-love.
If the mind dwells in past & karma,
The heart takes you to the powerful present.
The heart is greater than the mind.

Shame, Shame

Like guilt, shame is another difficult emotion which has roots in the past. This is a culture implanted emotion and an individual can pay a heavy price for it. The experience & feelings with shame are captured below in the short poem: 

Eyes all around,

I am the focus.

Murmurs all around,

I am the focus.

Shame, Shame say they all

Through their looks and words.

I wish to vanish to unknown places.

But like an Ostrich, with no wings to fly

I bury my face in the ground,

Not only those who know,

But also by the unknowns,

Hunt me with Shame, Shame.

The cost of mistakes,

deliberate or non-deliberate, is too high,

Not limited to the real world,

The behavior spills to the online world,

Some comment, Some abuse, 

Shame, Shame everywhere.

The internal chaos swells,

As I sip & dip in self-criticism & questioning

Is there a blot on the portrait,

Or just a shadow for time being,

Am I good enough,

When will the shame, shame go away? 

The Bed & the Guilt

In any negative circumstances, we suffer most when we are alone with ourselves. Guilt is no different. Among any time in a day, the bedtime is worst for most of us. The bed is the place where our fears, guilt, shame etc. wreak havoc. We spend sleepless nights dealing with these emotions. The poem below beautifully captures our experience with guilt during the bedtime.   

The bed is the place where guilt grows.

Darkness falls,

Stories rise.

Body feels exhausted,

Mind seems activated

Events are revisited,

New narratives are created.

The bed is the place where mental fiction grows.

Such is the mind's role play,

All the parties to the case are present.

Hon'ble Judge is here,

Both, the prosecutor & the defense is here,

The annoying tick-tocking gavel is here, 

Unexpectedly, the witness is also here.

The bed is the court where arguments take place,

Mind unleashes new allegations,

Defense cripples with its versions,

The self remains a meek witness.

With no support from outside

We suffer in the silence of night

The bed is the place where the dispute grows

We twist & turn,

From this side to the other side,

As the stories are heard.

In these moments of loneliness,

Despite all the comforts,

We remain deprived.

The bed is the place where the endurance grows

As the tick-tock quiets,

A fresh breeze surrounds.

The self or the witness whispers,

Guides us to adjourn the court.

With a note "to be resumed tomorrow"

We let it go for the day.

The bed is also the place to let it go

Rejuvenating through Yoga

How many of us feel we are very busy with any kind of fitness activities?..almost every one of us. Our life in the modern world is fast paced. Every day is like a marathon starting from the point we get up to the point we get back to bed. We are in hurry everywhere be it driving, doing office work or any personal work. What else we are doing in between? We are busy on our gadgets browsing, chatting, shopping, networking etc.. According to a survey we spend nearly 3 hours on our mobiles. It is easier to spend time & of-course money through our mobiles but it is very hard for us to find time for ourselves.

What else has an impact on us? I am referring our environment here- the weather, air, food, water. The seasons now have extreme temperatures. Food is anything but natural. It is plucked days before it is served on our plates. It is genetically modified, have fertilizers, have pesticides & artificially ripened. You can imagine why you don’t get whole nutrition even after eating balanced food regularly. Similarly, our air is polluted with vehicular or industrial emissions and dust.

No wonder why diseases like high BP, stress, insomnia, anxiety, heart problems, chronic headache, asthma, gastric disorders etc. are on rising. The effect of toxins is such that some of us don’t even feel fresh after proper sleep. In such a given environment, we need daily rejuvenation. We need something to flush out the toxins every day.

Given our busy life & our environment Yoga is one of the best available options to lead a healthy life. It is a complete mind & body exercise. Actually, it is beyond mind & body. It needs about 30 mins a day which is even less than the time you will commute & get ready for a gym..no playground or no teacher..you don’t need a companion or friend. There are enough good quality resources available on the internet which you can refer to. You can do it all on your own..all you need is a blanket or mat, a well-ventilated room & an empty stomach.

Benefits of Yoga include flexibility, balance, better digestion, healthy aging, stress reduction, better sleep, concentration, resistance against diseases etc. The asanas help to activate our dormant glands and thus flush out toxins from the body. The benefits of yoga go beyond the body. We all know neuro-plasticity. Yoga can rewire the brain. It can upgrade our mind by making or breaking neuron connections for a healthy mind. It can help you overcome inner resistances & habits. The qualities like self-acceptance, empathy, stillness, and kindness would find a place in your heart automatically.

It is important here to mention that it is your journey to find your true self on your own. By this, I mean Yoga is not fixed to a set of asanas, pranayama & meditation. It is exploratory in nature & you have to take this journey through the eight limbs-Yama, Niyam, Asana, Pranayam, Pratyahara, Dharana, Dhyan and finally Samadhi. Even Patanjali didn’t mention how to take journey onwards from Dharana to Samadhi. It is you who have to take this forward.

Do it yourself & explore yoga in union with the supreme soul.